Just To Be
by eilatansayah
Summary: This is a sequal to 'On The Night Train' Please feel free to review, they sustain me just as much as my five a day!


**This Follows 'On The Night Train'**

**I hope you all enjoy.**

I'm standing in the shop with Chastity and Cain and a part of me can't explain what's just happened – on the other hand another part of me knew exactly that it would happen.

Chastity is shaking her head and glaring at Cain and he's curled his lip back at her, "Hay don't blame me – you're the one that started gushing at him!"

He's right, she did. In fairness Chas' reaction was just as predictable as Aaron's, she can't help herself.

"Since when has showing your son that you think he's sweet been an offence?"

"It's not, unless your son is a head case and Aaron is definitely that."

I roll my eyes because even though Cain can be absolutely fantastic with Aaron he also has the ability to be completely infuriating, I wish for once he'd show affection like a normal person. Chas starts baring her teeth and I can see how taught her body language is, "say that again and I'll crack you one over the head!"

There's an interesting dynamic between Chas and Cain that probably goes back to childhood, she is the eldest of the two siblings and even though Cain can be truly terrifying, he always relents to her. I'm witnessing it now, I can see Cain shifting back minutely and even though he doesn't say anything there's an immediate change in his demeanour, Chas knows it too and she relaxes, I wonder if Cain's embarrassed that I witnessed it.

"I er…" it's not the most eloquent I can be but the atmosphere has gone very uncomfortable and I don't know what to say. Layla still hasn't come down the stairs so all we can do is stand there awkwardly.

"Layla!" Cain shouts unnecessarily loud and I flinch slightly, "I'm walking out and I'm not paying unless you come now," there's no messing in his tone.

I scratch my head not sure what to do, I'd come in the shop to catch Aaron before he brought a pizza because I was thinking about making a roast but he'd been pretty clear he didn't want it. Only now he's stormed off without his purchase, I look at the shelf to where he messily threw the pizza box; it's landed amongst some chocolate bars, something Layla won't be impressed about.

I really wish Aaron hadn't reacted the way he did, but he can't seem to help himself. So what if he was buying a pizza he didn't like just because it was Jackson's favourite? What does it matter and why does Aaron seem to believe that this is some vital flaw in his character. It seems that the very notion that anyone knows how much he cares and Aaron flies off the handle and yet at other times he shows amazing maturity. Take last night for example, I wasn't there but I heard how well he dealt with Jackson turning up in the pub – drunk and in drag and yet today, a far less humiliating experience and he loses his head over it? Sometimes I wonder if Aaron exhausts himself as much as he does everyone else

"Paddy, do you think I should buy that pizza for him?" I look at Chas like she's lost her mind, "No"

If anything this is the absolute last thing anyone should do.

"Should I go check he's ok?" She already knows the answer but she's looking at me hopefully.

"Oh for goodness sake, just let him be." I cringe at Cain's words but he's got a point and so even though Chas has got a hurt expression on her face, I don't console her, "He's right."

Chas loves her son to death – literally. If anyone could die from metaphorical smothering then Aaron would be dead a hundred times over. I can't blame her though sometimes, I'm never going to be that deluded to believe that we can ever truly take our eyes off him. Aaron is a strange kid, he is so desperate to be seen as this tough guy and yet it is an absolute act, he is vulnerable and scared and possibly truly terrified of everything. He pushes Chas away to test if she'll still love him and he even does it to me, he'll try at very little because he's convinced he'll fail and he won't voice opinions in case he looks like an idiot. The culmination of this was the suicide attempt. Seeing him lying in the garage forecourt will live with me forever and when I give it any thought I feel myself whelming up inside. So actually even though I'm always telling Chas to back off, I can completely understand when she won't.

"Sorry I've been so long –I've had a ladder in tights scenario and I so I've had to change my outfit!" All three of us just stare at Layla as she runs down the shop steps, and she's taken aback by the atmosphere, rather than say anything she quickly rings up Cain's bread and almost cheerily tells him the price.

"Finally," he responds as he slaps the money in her hand and then virtually snatches the change back before walking out, Layla is completely put out and Chas and I just watch the whole interaction expressionlessly.

"You two buying anything?"

Me and Chas look at each other awkwardly, "no," I say and I watch Chas her blow air out of her mouth, for once with nothing to say.

"No?" Layla's squinting at us bizarrely as she asks for confirmation.

"just browsing."

She cocks her head slightly, "like in a library?"

I purse my lips together, "… yeah."

"…right." I'm glad when I'm finally out of there.

Of course convincing Chas not too follow me was a little more tricky so you can imagine the huge sigh of relief when I finally watch her head back home. Even though I've sent Chas on her way and told her to top fussing for the tenth time in two minutes it doesn't mean I won't be checking Aaron when I get home; I'm just much more discreet. There is also a very big chance that he won't have returned there, it's possible that he's ran off somewhere in his humiliation and that Jackson could be completely oblivious to it.

Aaron will run off in almost every instant, sometimes it's for half an hour and other times it can be for days. Take for instance when I discovered he was gay – I didn't see him for two days and I had no contact with him in that period, I was worried sick and so scared for him and even now I don't know where he ended up. Never before have I meet someone with such an inability to deal with things, Aaron will deny and refuse that circumstances are happening until he just can't manage it any longer and that's when he's in real trouble. Of cause I'm talking about his suicide attempt again, it's been seven months since that event and yet it never sits far from my thoughts and it will be a long time until it does.

Once inside Smithy Cottage I discreetly try to listen out for signs that Aaron is home, I can hear low music coming from his room but this doesn't mean anything as Jackson had it playing it on the laptop before when I was speaking to him.

I like Jackson – a lot. I think he is the perfect foil for Aaron's insecurities, he is confident and relaxed and very funny and nothing seems to faze him. I know that their relationship has been pretty turbulent even after they got together properly and yet Jackson takes it all in his stride and nothing makes me happier than to know that Aaron is getting on with his life. Take today for example, the pair of them have spent all afternoon alone in Aaron's room quietly and I've found myself imagining what they might be doing. I picture Aaron sitting with Jackson as he slept, wandering down to make them both drinks or quietly chatting to each other, I know that sounds weird but it calms me when I think of Aaron doing all those normal relationshippy things.

It means he's moving on and even though it's improbable, a part of me is hoping that they never break up – of cause Aaron is only young and so this seems doubtful.

I'm on the stairs now trying to prick my ears to determine Aaron's location, but the music even though low is all I can hear and though I don't want to interfere if Aaron's run off upset then Jackson should know. I'm going to go in and I'll just act all casual and make up some excuse like I'm putting a wash on and ask Aaron if he has any colours, even if he shouts at me to get out then at least I'll know he's alright.

Now there are many moments in a person life where they just don't know what to do, it happens to me a lot which is why often I stand around and stutter with a complete inability to act or speak. Yet with all the instances that this has happened in my life I don't think I've not known what to do quite as much as the moment I walked into Aaron's room.

People knock for a reason, a very good reason. Usually I do as well but today that tiny courtesy flew from my brain at the very time when it shouldn't have because when I walk into his room, Aaron is with Jackson – and I mean _with._

Jackson is laying on top of Aaron and I can see them kissing fervently, neither are wearing tops and yet what's more glaringly obvious is Jackson's attempt to rid himself of his trousers – I can see his backside quite prominently as he's wriggling out of them.

I can't say I've either wondered if sex between a gay couple starts the same as straight ones but this pretty much confirms it does.

"Er…" that whole shocked stuttering thing comes into play and I want to run out of the room but I don't know the etiquette of the situation – do I just run or wait around long enough to apologise. Either way my brain won't function.

"Jesus!" Jackson cries as he notices me and he quickly shifts off Aaron, he reveals a little too much of himself as he rolls away and a whole lot more of Aaron.

"Fuck!" Aaron grabs a pillow to cover up his nakedness.

"Err…err… I'm sorry!" Thank fully my brain kick starts and I run out, slamming the door as I do, I'm horribly mortified about the entire thing and leg it to put some distance between it.

Down stairs I don't know what to do with myself; I could make a cup of tea because that's always what people say to do when you've had a shock. Or I could start on my dinner or watch TV, I haven't got a clue all I know is that standing rooted to the spot doesn't make much sense. Finally after a moment I realise the best thing to do would be leave and not just for me but because I feel terrible guilty for interrupting their privacy and so going out and letting them continue would be a nice gesture?

Letting them continue.

The thought makes me uncomfortable, I know Aaron's an adult but I think of him as a son and no parent wants to witness the kid doing that. And even though of cause they were having sex – I've never had any definite indication of it and I certainly didn't think it was going on under my roof.

I guess the only response is to laugh and so I do even though it's feeble and I feel quite pathetic and I'm still really shaken.

Above me I suddenly hear muffled conversation, I can't hear it clearly above the music that's still playing but it sounds hurried and angry.

"Just go home!"

I can't make out Jackson's response but Aaron is clearly angry.

"Get out!"

Damn, I close my eyes; this is the last thing I wanted.

"How is this my fault?"

"I said go!"

Aaron sounds so livid and I can hear the heavy footsteps as the pair of them move around the room.

"Why have you always got to react like this?"

I halt my decision to leave, worried for Aaron. Jackson is right, Aaron always over reacts and more importantly he always ends up regretting it, the music suddenly stops and their argument can be heard a lot clearer.

"I'm going to tell you one last time –"

"- Aaron."

"Take your stuff and get out of my room before I throw it down the stairs."

"Why!"

"Get out, get out, get out!"

I brace myself as the bedroom door opens and slams and I hear foots running down the stairs, I'm not sure who it is. It's either Jackson who has finally done what Aaron asked or Aaron because Jackson is rarely in the habit of doing what Aaron wants when he's behaving unreasonably.

I've probably lost count of how many times I've witnessed similar things and that's just the ones I've known about. The most bizarre time I can recall was the day that Jackson had moved his stuff into Dale View, a friend of Jackson's had turned up because he was storing his TV for him and he also wanted to check out where his mate was living. His name was Tom and unfortunately he was slightly camp, I say unfortunately because it was for Aaron – everyone one else couldn't have cared less. Tom had started flirting with Ryan and Andy, which was completely in jest –he'd been going on about there being nice eye candy and now he could understand why Jackson had moved to a village. Aaron had just stormed off, forgetting about his offer to help Jackson unpack and I had been horribly embarrassed. Aaron just can't cope with any stereotype and he doesn't want to be associated in the slightest, the thing is though is that neither Ryan nor Andy was annoyed and they even played along. Tom had been clearly unimpressed but didn't say anything – he obviously knew about Aaron's and Jackson's history which was quite upsetting for me.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes I just don't get why Jackson hangs around.

"Jackson I'm really sorry!" he's rounded the corner and entered the kitchen with his shoes in his hands, I guess Aaron won.

"Don't worry about it Paddy." He's hurriedly putting his shoes on and he won't meet me in the eye. I hate that I've embarrassed Aaron but that happens easily and so it seems worse that I've done it to the usually unflappable Jackson.

He bends over to tie his shoes up, "No Jackson this is all my fault, I didn't think!"

Jackson huffs loudly and sits up, wrapping his jacket around his shoulders and looking straight at me, "No Paddy, it's no one's fault." He's hurrying and angry when he says this and I realise that he's not embarrassed at all, "Jackson –."

"This is just one of those things that happens and you know what? If he was a normal person then I'd still be up there!"

"I know but –" this is the last thing I want.

"I thought this morning was too good to be true," Jackson gets up and starts feeling around his pocket presumably to check he has everything, "he actually acted with a bit of maturity over my behaviour last night, should have known he was storing it up!"

"Please don't go –"

Jackson stops and chews on his bottom lip for a second, "I'm sorry Paddy but I just can't do it anymore."

"What!"

"You can tell him that if he wants, I would but I'm not allowed in his room." Jackson just leaves and I'm stood in the kitchen in shock, how has this happened?

I stand rooted to the spot unsure of what to do and it takes the music that starts blaring horribly loud above me to jolt me into action. I don't want to get involve but I already am and just like his mother I fret constantly – instances like this are never good where Aaron's concerned.

"Aaron," I cautiously knock at his bedroom door not willing to make the same mistake twice but I get no response over the loud thumping music, "Aaron," this time I'm a lot louder.

"Go away!" he sounds more panicky than angry and I know immediately that I'm not going anywhere.

"I just want to talk."

"Leave me alone."

I shake my head because I can't do that especially as I can tell from Aaron's voice that he's crying.

"I'm coming in."

"No!"

I ignore him as I so often do in these circumstances and open the door, immediately hit by the blaring music, Aaron is hunched over on the end of his bed and his arms are wrapped around his head as if he's in pain. The laptop is open on the bed and I reach down to turn off the music, I suddenly feel as if I've gone deaf, "Aaron?"

"Go away!" his voice cracks and he curls in little tighter and clutches his head even more, he's sat in only he's track suit bottoms and it makes the sight even more vulnerable.

"It's alright."

"I can't talk to you," he's openly sobs now and they're massive and he struggles to say the words through them.

"Come on Aaron."

"Don't look at me."

I start back in shock; I've never seen him like this. He's crying so hard that he's choking on his words and struggling to breath, he looks as though he could have a panic attack. I can't stay back, I want to because it's what Aaron's asked but to leave him like is unthinkable, instead I quickly crouch down in front of him and try to lift his head, "Aaron I need you to calm down." Aaron just continues to cry and I'm so overwhelmed that I feel myself welling up, "Come on Aaron take even breaths."

I guess people could be forgiven for thinking that we treat Aaron like a china doll and at times I know that we do but there is a very good reason for this, if he didn't struggle so much with life, if he didn't run away all the time then we wouldn't. His panic attacks are another reason; he's had a few since his suicide attempt and most of them we're easily controlled but one in particular had me terrified. It was just after Adam had brought Jackson round to convince him to stand in court and admit he was gay and Adam a chewed him out for being so self-destructive. Aaron had lost control completely, he couldn't calm he's breathing and was flapping round the kitchen in a panic, I'd managed to find a paper bag and he'd sunk to the floor. I sat with him for over half an hour in tears as he lay on his side, for some reason this seemed to help – I think it was how cold the tiled floor was.

So now maybe this gives an insight just too why we treat him the way we do.

Aaron's eyes are tightly creased closed and I watch the large tears roll off his lashes, he won't open them but he is listening to my words and I'm relieved when his sobs calm slightly.

"Please go away."

"I'm not going to do that."

"Please."

"Aaron," I reach out to touch his arm but he flinches away, I hold my hands up because I admit I'm slightly fearful he could kick off. Aaron shifts sideways turning his head from me and I note his slim frame shivering, it's November and even though the house is heated it's still too cold to be half naked. "Here," I reach for his dressing gown and drape it across his shoulders, Aaron immediately wraps it tighter but still keeps his head low, I am at least a little relieved that his breathing has calmed.

I look around the room for a comfortable place to sit because it looks like I'm going to be here for a while, but the only place where I will get a clear view of Aaron's face is via sitting on the floor. I inelegantly plonk myself down trying to fold my legs, but my rather large body won't accommodate so instead I lean heavily against his wardrobe.

"It's alright Aaron."

Jackson's right, with any other person this wouldn't be happening now, they'd of laughed about it and maybe carried on, with Aaron though you get this. Sometimes I wish that I could see into his brain to figure out his thought processes because why an earth me walking in on them during sex should result here I have no idea.

"Can you just go." He still won't open his eyes and he's shaking a little harder now, I realise that it's more to do with being scared than feeling the cold.

"Can't do that Aaron."

My heart aches when he lets out a small sob.

"I'm really sorry about that Aaron, I didn't think."

He just stays sat on the bed still except for the tiny tremors that run through his body; I take a deep breath, "I was just checking that you were alright after the shop."

I get no response so I just keep talking.

"I thought that maybe you hadn't returned here, maybe you'd run off." Aaron sniffs loudly, "You threw the pizza away and you legged it out of there," I hold back slightly wanting to put this a bit delicately, "And Aaron it's not that unusual for you to do that."

He sniffles a bit but still won't lift his head, I am glad to see him open his eyes though, "I came back here."

"Well I know that now," I say with a small smile on my face, trying to entice Aaron in with the joke. A look fleets his features like a grimace and I'm suddenly scared he's going to be sick.

"You're not even angry at Jackson really are you?" He doesn't respond, instead he bites his lip, still looking ill. I get the problem I really do, "you just don't like that you were caught in bed with another man."

He starts rubbing his head furiously, "I can't talk to you about this."

"Yes you can Aaron."

He swallows hard and chokes on a sob, "how can you look at me?" I cock my head and don't say a word, wanting him to continue, "It's disgusting," he shudders and fresh tears spill down his cheeks, "What we do together is disgusting."

I close my eyes, so upset for the lad; they've been together for seven months now and he feel like this. We all knew that he struggles with everything but I'm horrified that even after all this time he could still have such a strong reaction to something so unimportant. I don't know what to say to him or what to do for him? How can you undo a life time of such damaging beliefs? I thought being with Jackson was helping but if this is him in a better place than I'd hate to think how bad he'd be without Jackson.

"Aaron, " I begin carefully, "What you two do together is just what any couple in love do – there's no shame in it."

"I don't love him."

"Right," I bit my lip, "of cause." I'm not even going to go into that conversation right now, I know that Aaron loves him but we're dealing with one problem at a time. Today it's that he can't cope with his feelings of enjoying sex with a man tomorrow it can be him dealing with that fact that he's in love with a man.

"Aaron the alternative is that you stop," I lower my head to try to catch his eyes as they open, "but I know you don't want that."

He sniffs again, "Jackson makes me do it."

Now I know that's just ridiculous, "Jackson makes you do something that you want to do?" I grin at him, "Yeah, Rhona's always forcing me to do that with her as well – what a bitch huh!"

My comment gets the desired response and a small smile jumps to his lips, he still hasn't lifted his head but its progress.

" I didn't even think you we're doing it here, you barely sleep at home as you're always at Jacksons and I thought with me being around it put a bit of a dampener on it?"

Aaron's curled in on himself again obviously uncomfortable with my frank discussion but he is nodding his head, "We don't usually – Jackson just started…." he trails off.

I smile because that is one the wonderful things that should be happening for Aaron, "there's only one thing to do –" I move forward making sure I can see his dipped face, "get a lock for that door!"

And then finally, finally he raises his head, he still won't meet my eyes but its more progress and it will do.

We sit for a minute quietly and the only sound comes from Aaron whose breath is still hitching as he sniffles but he's stopped crying so I think we're in the clear for now, "How about I bring up a brew? Tea his always good after you've had a shock."

Aaron takes a big shuddering breath, his eyes are red raw and puffy and he's still slightly shaking, "does it get boring?"

"What?" I don't understand him.

"Me – aren't you sick of me yet?"

"No," of cause I'm not, I hate that he even considers that, "you're like a son – you know that."

I watch him wipe his nose on the back of his hand, "doesn't mean you want to put up with me."

"Yes it does."

He shakes his leg up and down slightly causing his whole body to jar, it's a nervous gesture that I've seen him do a few times, "I told Jackson that I never saw you in the shop."

"right."

"I also lied and said there we're no pizzas."

I cock an eyebrow, I'm not used to sitting on the floor and I can feel my back start to ache, "Why would you do that?"

Aaron shrugs, "easier than admitting that I got embarrassed I was buying his favourite one and then ran off instead."

I reach out and touch his leg, "I see."

He laughs with a sad expression on his face, "see told you – boring, how Jackson hasn't left me yet I just don't know."

I think back to Jackson's words in the kitchen, he said he couldn't do it anymore, I shudder because I hope they we're just words, "Aaron, everything has a habit of working out, things will get easier for you."

"That's what Jackson said." He takes a deep breath and sits up straighter stretching slightly, "I'm never gonna be able to look you in the face again."

"We'll I'll tell you what, you can walk in on my and Rhona during sex and even the score?" Aaron's lip immediately curls distastefully and I can't help the big belly laugh that escapes my lips, his expression had true comedic timing, Aaron looks at me surprised for a second and then joins in.

That's the sound I was looking for, Aaron genuinely laughing – I know he's ok now, well as ok as he ever is.

"Knock, knock."

I start at the small voice, I hadn't expected it and I turn to the doorway, Jackson is stood there with his head leaning against the frame, I'm unsure how long he's been stood there. I risk a glance towards Aaron and I can see how relieved he is at the sight of his boyfriend.

"I left my keys behind." Liar, I knew he had them I watched him check before he left.

"right," Aaron swallows hard

I clear my throat, the atmosphere is a little uncomfortable so I decide to speak up, "look I'm really sorry about earlier." Neither of them are really paying me any attention, they're just looking at each other and I feel as if there's some secret communication going on between them, it makes me smile.

"No worry's Paddy," Jackson responds, he's grinning but it's directed more to Aaron

"Good."

He turns his attention to me, "you've probably seen worse."

I squint because thank god for Jackson, who manages to make any situation a laugh, they are like yin and yang Aaron and Jackson - complementary opposites that interact within a greater whole. "I'll admit that I've never seen so much of you."

Aaron hunches up his shoulders and rolls his eyes away embarrassed, "Well Paddy you did see my good side, I do have a great arse." I don't add to the conversation because I can see how embarrassed Aaron is about it all, instead I struggle to my feet, listening to my knees creek as they do, "So anyway the reason I came in in the first place was to see you fancied a roast dinner?"

Jackson shoves his hands into his pockets, "Oh yeah, you never did catch up with Aaron." For the first time Aaron raises his eyes to meet mine and I can tell how grateful he is at my discreetness. "What do you think Aaron?" Jackson asks, "Roast dinner on Paddy?"

He gives a small smile, "Ok."

"Great, I'm going to go a pick up a few bits from the shop then," Aaron looks at me and I wink at him. As I leave the room I hold back slightly at the door way needing a bit more confirmation that things are good, they don't realise I'm stood there and I'm glad because otherwise I wouldn't have witnessed what I do.

Jackson immediately goes to Aaron where he's sat and sinks down in front, wrapping his arms around him and Aaron's head falls to Jackson's neck, they hold each other tight. It's enough for me so I leave, heading towards the steps, I pause at the top though when I hear Aaron speak.

"Why do you always come back?"

"I like using your ipod."

I grin from where I'm stood because Jackson is very funny, I hear Aaron sniff again.

"Haven't you had enough?"

"I'm not going to lie Aaron, it does get pretty tiring."

This isn't what I want to hear and it isn't what I want Aaron to hear, but Jackson has a right to say he's piece.

"The thing is Aaron, you see the thing is that I keep coming back because – well because I love you."

I hold my breath, Aaron hasn't responded and the seconds drag on.

"I love you too."

I don't know obviously because I can't see from where I'm stood but I'd like to think they kiss.

**The End**


End file.
